i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
