First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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