whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
