Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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