I met the friendliest cop last night
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
