He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
