I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
