He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
