Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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