dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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