i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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