Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
