I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
