dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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