please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize