Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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