you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
