Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Boobs speak an international language.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
