Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
no more duck duck goose at the bar
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I supernannyed him into submission
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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