life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
