He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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