I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
