Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
