I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
