3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
