I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize