dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Is Oprah even human
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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