I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
