it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The uberlube is also flammable
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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