an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize