What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize