Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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