it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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