Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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