i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
handjob tips. give me some.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
