If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
