My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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