Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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