Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
