I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Ladies don't puke and tell
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
