she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
