I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
