I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
