why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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