I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize