How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
