porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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