Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize