I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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