eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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