I skipped work to stalk him.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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