ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
The air taste purple.
Randomize
