That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i've created a new STD.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
