i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Come see our sink grown plant.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
