Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
