Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
