I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
