I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
