remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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