You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
